Normal...some thoughts on what that actually means....

What is normal? Stop and think about it. Think about what a 'normal' day was when you were 10. What was a normal day when 15? 24? 30?

Our perception of "normal" changes as we do...what was normal last year may be totally foreign this year. So why is it that when something bad/uncomfortable happens we long for "normal" life?

My Norm 5 years ago included taking CTA to work in Evanston, ordering any kind of food imaginable to be delivered to my door (sigh, I miss that), and going to world class museums on a regular basis.

My Norm 3 years ago included teaching Spanish speaking four year olds English, living in city in the desert, making my way in that city using a language I barely understood, and dealing with report cards (ugh DO NOT miss that!)

My current Norm is what got me thinking about this in the first place.
Today I was cleaning my bedroom...I have let the little things go for a while now and they have combined to become a massive thing that is really bad...anyway, so while dealing with 'stuff' and organizing I began getting angry. I was angry about a multiude of things; I don't have a place of my own, I don't have a job, don't have a purpose, don't have space for the stuff I do have with me...you get the idea...so as I am dusting I am moving the stuff off my headboard and I got the angriest at the stuff I had to move.... I thought to myself "WHEN did THIS become my NORMAL?!?!?!?!"

but you know what...it is. There is no way to make it go away, no way to suddenly cure myself of RA. SO...having umpteen pill bottles that I use on a daily/weekly basis is not what I had hoped for when, as a child I thought of my future...but ya know what? I am SO SO SO very glad that I HAVE all those medications available to me! I live at a time when RA is not cureable but it IS treatable and for that I give thanks! So while I can grieve that I can't do the things I used to, I can also rejoice that I can still do anything at all! I shall strive to remember that my new normal is much better than some of my past normals, and that it can get better or worse depending on my actions.

It also helped that, while cleaning, I found some cards from a wonderful friend that lifted my spirits and a message from FB from a friend in Peru that I actually printed out it meant so much to me at the time, and guess what...it still means a lot to me, I cried once again and was blessed anew!

Yeah, "normal" is overrated!

In Peru...

In two days I will be leaving Peru for what is most likely the very last time.

It is bittersweet. I will miss the people intensely, however, there is something in Lima that my body does NOT like. In the month I have been here I have noticed a considerable decrease in my quality of living, where my body is concerned. It makes it easier to leave in a way...it has stopped all those "If only..." thoughts that Satan sends to attack on occasion. So all in all I am feeling pretty good about leaving Peru behind. Other than the children (students), the main people that would draw me back here are all in transition now, and may or may not even be in Peru within the next year. Changes are needed in life, but hard to deal with often.

So I have had a blast here for the last month and look forward to subjecting my friends and family to many pictures! :)

Chau!

OCtober!

October is here...and while it has had it's share of hot (85 degree) days it is quite clear that FALL is here! I am loving the crisp air, hinting of colder air on the way. The campfires, and warm drinks, the amazing colors God paints the trees!

And the October is doubly exciting for me as I finally have insurance! It was SO much fun to go in for lab work and be able to had them my Medicaid care and not pay ANYTHING! It is such a burden lifted.

I do not have much more to report at this present time...so TTFN!

ho, hum...

so things here in Indiana have stalled.

I am still in a holding pattern and it is getting tiresome not to mention depressing. I long to have a job that will allow me to 1)WORK 2)earn money and 3)HAVE SOMETHING TO DO. But finding a job in Elkhart is hard enough then if you add to that my physical limitations it just SUCKS!

BUT on the positive side...Because I haven't been working I HAVE been available to tutor my cousin Kira, hoping to get her ready for first grade. She really has done a great job over the past month and I am proud of her.

Maybe I was brought back to the states just for that...who knows (well besides God)

So as the summer winds down I am left wondering what to do. I am going to go in and fill out paperwork to become a volunteer at Roosevelt Elementary (Kinder thru 3) and see what comes of that...

Hope all is well with all of you!

Cindy

July Update

Just a quick note...

My body continues to improve slowly but surely...I got a cold last week and had to delay my Enbrel shot by 5 days and it was not that much fun...Life is boring and monotonous...but I am here.

Anything that comes to you easy...

...can also leave you easy.

So the week after I wrote the previous blog my body self-detonated. The week of my birthday was hellish. June 9th was the worse day I have had since before I was diagnosed. It was horrible. Since then I have been feeling slowly better everyday. I am still in much pain, but I am no where near riding a bike. *sigh*

It was short lived, but I reserve some hope that I will again get to ride again! Giggle..."some day I will ride again!"

I am so frustrated with this body of mine. I want the Enbrel to work...so very badly.

Maybe as it builds in my system I will again feel better...we shall see.

Riding a bike.

To most in this world riding a bike is not a big deal.

It can be entertainment, exercise, or a way to go green.

Some see it as an obligation, either to lose weight or save the world.

Others see it as fun.

For the last two years (almost to the day) I have seen it as something I am unable to do.

Today that changed.

After three weeks of being on Enbrel my body felt like maybe I could get on a bike and ride. So out to the shed I went, and after a brief fight with the dismantled frame from my mother's hammock I successfully extracted the beautiful blue bicycle. It was crawling with creepy-crawlies so I hosed it down and waited all of three minutes for the fabric seat to dry. (As many of you know my ability to wait is woefully non-existent, which in this case resulted in a slight damp behind.) So I threw a leg over the bike and prepared to "test the waters" with no slight amount of trepidation.

As I sailed down the driveway and out onto the roadway I thought "Okay this isn't so bad." It was then I realized that I had yet to begin pedaling, gravity had done the work thus far. One leg down, one leg up. Right knee bent, left knee bent. Pressure on right knee as force is exerted, now the left knee under pressure...taking stock of what the legs are telling me...CAN IT BE??? I don't feel pain!

Now this is NOT to say I did not feel it...my legs definitely felt the work, for they have been lousy with inactivity for these last four months especially. The point however is the I was CAPABLE of riding the bike!

I, Cindy Leinbach, can once again ride a bike.

Can you hear it? Listen carefully and I think you will be able to hear it...there, just there..."I want to ride my BICYCLE. I want to ride my biiiike! I want to ride my BICYCLE. I want to ride it where I like!!!!"

Ah, the sweet sound of Queen! Oh yes, I want to ride my Bicycle, and so I will!


I managed just twice around the neighborhood (little less that 2/3 of a mile) it is a good start! Now I will wait and see how my dear RA knees feel in the morning! If the news is good I think I shall go for a ride again tomorrow!

To all of you lovely people out there who take this amazing ability for granted...GO RIDE YOUR BIKES, and think twice about how much your legs are actually doing!

Cindy

The first week of the rest of my life...

Last Friday (May 14th) I gave myself my first shot fo Enbrel, the once a week shot for my RA. TOday I gave the second shot. As I sat there grumbling about the fact that because I knew it WOULD hurt it hurt MORE than the first shot I realized that I would be doing this for the foreseeable future. I am so very grateful that I am ABLE to do this. God has provided in amazing ways to allow me to receive this medication!

So my thoughts on the first week of Enbrel:
~It is SO nice to get up in the morning and not have to have an hour to an hour and a half to "get up to speed" My body did not require that this week. I got out of bed and felt pretty good. There is still pain but SO MUCH LESS that it is astounding!

~I still have swelling but I can MOVE all my joints much easier than I have in a LONG (two years) time.

~I have more energy. Which is very nice...depending on how this coming week goes I am hoping to try riding bicycle around the neighborhood! This is VERY exciting to me!

~I am hoping that this will last and is not just my body's "euphoric" reation to the switching of medication. Any Doctor will tell you any time you drastically change what is going into your body it has a time of transition that is often a HUGE improvment that later slides into the true reaction of the medication.

~I am praying (and you can too!) that I am part of the " Enbrel has been shown to halt joint damage in 55% of people wth moderate to severe Rheumatoid Arthritis"....Lord, I want to be in that number!

Okay well that is all I have to say about that...

I will keep you all updated on how life in my body is going.

Cindy

Home again, home again...

I am back in Northern Indiana after spending two weeks in Indianapolis with my friend Lawana and her family. I was helping out as Wani had her thrid child. After two wonderful boys she finally has a little girl, Christine Anne Penrod, who is precious! She already has both her Daddy and oldest Brother firmly wrapped around her pinky fingers!

I am glad to be home and around my family. I am suprised at how much I missed seeing my family. It was only two weeks, not 11 months like I have done in the past...and yet...it felt long this time. It is strange.

That is all the thoughts I have in my head to share right now so I will post again when the whim hits!

I am not Job...

I am not Job.

So Job lost EVERYTHING…
…his farm, animals, family, money, and finally health.
And still Job did not curse God.
Throughout everything he turned everything into praise.
He was angry and frightened, he was confused and bewildered
but he ALWAYS blessed the name of the Lord.
With his actions and deeds, he turned every blessing into praise.
He managed to see these horrible things that were happening to him as blessings.

BLESSINGS???
YES.
Job knew that God was with him.
So no matter what happened, Job knew that he was indeed Blessed.

I am not Job.
I forget all too easily that I am blessed.
I focus on the WRONG thing.

I focus on
The pain.
The anger.
The frustration.
The desperation.
I focus on the self.

I need to make myself see that
The pain
IS A BLESSING
The anger
IS A BLESSING
The frustration
IS A BLESSING
The desperation
IS A BLESSING
For God is with me.

The Maker of this universe
The One who holds the sun and stars in His hand
He who created the depths of the oceans
Decided where there would be land and water
Gave us breath, life, and salvation.
For if God is with me
WHO
And
WHAT
Can EVER
be against me?
There is nothing that can conquer me.
Nothing can steal my joy.
I shall no longer give my joy away.
For I am MIGHTILY blessed.

New Spring Blog

I have decided that I cannot fully rely on Facebook to update people about my life.
Not everyone is one FB.

It is the end of April and things are going...well they are going...

I have learned that no matter what Medicaid and SS decides I can still get my meds at no cost to me! The Doctor visits are going to add up though...sigh...pesky doctors!

Next week I am headed down to Indianapolis to stay with my best friend, Lawana, as she gives birth to her thrid child. I offered to go down and help with the cooking and shopping and light cleaning, along with helping supervise her other two children.

By the time I come back to Elkhart my first dose of my new medicine should be here for me! Hooray!

Well that is all I have for now!

I am enjoying my first major season change in two years and I am LOVING it!

Being back "home"

So as of January I am back in the United States of America to stay for the foreseeable future due to my RA. I will not be able to return to Peru to teach and any other missions work will have to be within the US. My body is slowly braking down due to the RA. I am in pain all the time every day. It is just a matter of how much pain.

A good day consists of tolerable pain that I can ignore enough to do the things I want to do. Bad days consist of pain that I cannot ignore and that drastically cutail what I can and cannot do.

I am living with my parents. This is not a good thing for anyone involved. I love my folks and they love me but I am not supposed to be living with them at the age of 32. Tension is always present even if mininally...I have no job, no money, no vehicle, and no ability to get a vehicle anytime soon.

I am glad to be in the States while at the same time longing to be back in Peru.

I am full of contradictions and confusion.

Such is life.

But hey I'm still here and still fighting, so yeah.

WOW! A new post!

Please go to the LEinbach's in Peru blog for my laset blogging post! Thanks!

How to be...

Emily was telling me something that were going on in her classroom and in that convo she said that one of her children asked "Why is your sister always sick. You always add her to the prayer list?" And it got me thinking...

...I AM always sick, and I always will be sick. Until the day I die have a disease. How am I going to be sick? I know it is a slightly odd question. One most of us never have to really ponder *thankfully*...

I TRY not to ever let my children know how much pain I am in, even last year when I was using the wheel chair outside of school there was only ONCE that I used it within the school in front of kids. I don't want the kids to have to deal with the ugliness of chronic pain, they should not have to even think about such things. But how am I sick around my coworkers...I do NOT want to be that person who is always a downer, I HATE people who suck the air out of a room when they enter. How do I retain a cheery dispostion and reamin true when they ask "How are you?" Most of the time I say "eh." or "Mas o menos" or "Same as usual" DO I lie to my coworkers to not be a downer? I work in a Christian school with wonderful people and I KNOW that they prayer for me, I feel like a broken record to keep repeating that I am having a lot of pain today and need prayer that God gives me strengtha nd energy to get thru the day, but at the same time if I don't ask I am missing out on a huge source of prayer...

...How to be a pleasent perosn while still being truthful. That is a hard one. When I figure it out I will let ya all know. In the mean time I will try my best not to be Daisy Downer.

What is true?

It is easy to say that "yes I trust in the Lord" but it is a whole different ball of wax when that is put to the test.

Today I had a doctor's appt with my rhuematologist. It did not go well. I have been told the medication that I am currently taking is not working and that it has become necessary to move to the next step. The next step is the bological class of drugs which are very very expensive and totally out of my reach.

So I came home bummed. This news was slowly eating away at my brain. Truly like a worm turning ever so slowly eating away at my peace of mind and ability to see hope for the future. But it doesn't matter...none of it...Because

I was made to love You
I was find You
I was made just for You
Made to adore You
I was made to love
and be loved by You

You were here before me
You were wating on me
and You said You'd keep me
never would you leave me
I was made to love You
and be loved by You

The dreams alive with my eyes open wide
Back in the ring
You've got me swinging for the grand prize
I feel the haters spitting vapor on my dreams
but I still believe

I'm reaching out reaching up reaching over
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah
and when did I forget

I was made to love You
I was find You
I was made just for You
Made to adore You
I was made to love
and be loved by You

You were here before me
you were wating on me
and You said You'd keep me
never would you leave me
I was made to love You
and be loved by You

I am ever humbled by the way in which God uses everything around us to speak to us. A word from a friend, a randon Bible verse, a song. The song above is by a man named TobyMac. I really respect this man he has spent 20 years in the Christian music industry. We was formerly part of DC Talk and they were HUGE in the 90's and had many forces telling them to tone down the Christian aspect and go mainstream. They refused. Not only did they refuse but all three of the members have managed to continue to live Godly lives in the Spotlight. Anyway I was sitting at the computer listening to some secular music that matched my mood, (rolling stones-Paint it Black, Green Day- Time of your life...etc...) Then I kicked myself in the butt and told myself that sitting here moping was getting me no where, PUT one music to help yourself not hinder...so I opened up iTunes and hit shuffle and "I was Made" was what came up... Yup God is pretty darn awesome. So still don't have a way to get my medicine that will prevent major bone deformity in my body but I WAS MADE TO LOVE HIM! Have you forgotten why you were made????

That's all I got ot say bout that!

UPDATE

Please see our Peru blog for updated pictures...both of the Farm field trip and of Emily's Third Graders.

Thanks,
Cindy

Happy Field Trip

We had a great field trip on Friday. The kids did a great job with their behaviour and they had a GREAT time. The farm staff was incredible and really knew how to keep the kids attention and interest. I had three mothers come with us and they were awesome, they had fun without being overbearing, overall I enjoyed myself and had a good experience.

I will work on posting a few pictures of our time at the farm...until then I hope you all are having a good day.

Tuesdays

Tuesdays are hard...

Monday you have things to talk about with your coworkers, ya know what happened over the weekend etc...

Wednesday you know you are half way through the week....

but Tuesdays....pero martes...

martes es mal.

Tuesdays are bad.

There is no redeeming quality to Tuesday, it seems just to be a day of "UHG" all this to say that today was a very good Tuesday...not at all like Tuesday's usually feel to me.

I had fun with my kids and they are understanding more and more everyday. We played the "In and Out" game. It is a simple game. Here in Peru we have large circles painted on the concrete on the conchas, they are safe zones in case of earthquakes...anyway we all get IN the circle (pause while everyone actually listens and obeys...) now let's all get OUT of the circle! (pause again for action) Now IN....OUT....IN....OUT....over to this other circle and get IN....now OUT...

They love it and I make them repeat the words as we all jump IN and OUT of the circles.

Yup that was the highlight of my Tuesday...now that I am writing it down it sounds pretty pathetic...but oh well! :)

It was hard to start the year with a new group of kids when I had worked so hard to get last years kids to where they were...but I am starting to see progress in the classroom. They actually know the songs and will sing them even without me (this is a MAJOR step to truly knowing a song) it can get to be a problem when they start singing songs at times that it should not be sung but hey we are working all the wrinkles out...they are just 4 after all...sigh...I have to remind myself of that a lot...

This Friday is our FIRST Field Trip!!!! I am not sure how this is going to go but I hope for the best and am prepared for the worst so it is all good.

Enough of my rambling hope you all had a good Tuesday.

Cindy

Will wonders never cease...

I am posting for the second time in a week.

We have started our four day weekend. It has come in the nick of time. My brain needs some time away from the children. I am so haapy not to have to be responsible for any small kids for FOUR whole days...sighs happily!

Things really have gone well.

The first month is always the hardest for P-4. It is very stressful for them to be immersed into English and they can be very cranky/sleepy/crying little brat---I mean they can have a hard time adjusting. :)

We are throught the adjusting period. I have gotten to know them and they have gotten to know me and we both have gotten the hang of how things are going to work this year.

We have completed Deedee deer this week and will be ready for Ellie Elephant when we start school on Monday. We use a system called Zoo-Phonics and it it wonderful. It assigns an animal character to every letter sound. It is a great way to help kids learn English and even begin to read.

I enjoy teaching this age level because I still enjoying doing the same things they do...example: for Bubba Bear week we "painted with Bubbles" we got a tub of water with dish soap in it, got straws and blew bubbles then Miss Leinbach dropped some liquid paint (red, blue, and yellow) onto the bubbles then we carefully placed a paper on the bubble being careful not to press too hard and get it in the water (well most of us anyway) It was so much fun watching the kids faces as we pulled the paper up and we all saw what design was on the other side. Ah, good times.

Okay well now that I have given y'all a brief snapshot of P-4 I am going to go now. It is 3:55 am and I am feeling like I can go back to bed now.

PICTURES!!!!!!!

Here are some pictures from the first month of P-4.

We have had fun and learned a lot...or at least I think they have learned a lot. They are starting to ask in English to go to the bathroom, wash their hands, and put things in their cubby holes so life is good.

Enjoy the pictures.

May you all have a blessed Easter Week.

Cindy

P-4 2009 March snaps